A hypocrite. That's what I feel like. But I don't know how to fix it.
I sit in class and I know that at some point someone is going to get hungry or they are going to get thirsty and take something out of their bag. It's inevitable. I know I can't fight it. I don't even try to hide the fact that I'm covering my ears anymore. I get weird looks from my professors, but they don't ask me about it. I shoot side eye to the people that eat loudly, the ones that decide it's a good idea to crinkle a bag of chips and crunch loudly away in the middle of an otherwise quiet lecture. There is one girl that eats apples so slowly , it's like she's nibbling at it like a rabbit with greens.
But I know that there are days in class where I get hungry and want to eat. And there are times when I want to drink from my water bottle. And that's why I feel like a hypocrite.
What's worse: the sound of my own swallowing is starting to get on my nerves. I try and drink the water as quietly as possible, but sometimes I can't. And when I do snack in class, I try to make it as soundless as possible. I don't eat chips, but I still feel bad for eating in the quiet when I get so angry when other people eat.
All I want to do is start screaming at whoever it is to STOP CHEWING because they are disrupting the class. Even if it's me. Is a loud, rumbling stomach better or worse than chewing?
And that's why I bite myself. I can't scratch myself anymore because I keep biting my nails away, a habit I've picked up again since this has been getting worse. I tried biting my pen once, but it hurt my teeth, and I was scared I would break the plastic. Paper doesn't have enough strength to let me bite down hard on it. So what else is there that is so easily accessible? My hand is right there, and bite marks go away. I just bite down hard enough to get my frustration out. And if it doesn't work, I cover my ears and look at my desk until it stops. Sometimes I cry.
I'm tired of people not believing me when I say it's a problem. You're the third person I've told. I need someone that can help me.
Can you help me?"Yes ."